Conflict Styles – Avoiding

In this blog, we will look at one of the most argued about and prevalent conflict style preferences – ‘Avoiding’.

The Bad and Good News

You can’t avoid confrontation.

But you can choose how you want to deal with it.

Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann’s work analysed human conflict behaviours including their downsides and benefits. What we can learn from them is arguably more useful now than ever as we all start to adjust and reconfigure to the new ‘normal’.

Conflict Behaviour can be Measured

So, what are conflict styles? As a speedy reminder for those of you who haven’t yet read my first blog of the series. Those who have read it can skip this part and go directly to ‘test yourself’.

In the ’70s, two conflict researchers, Ken Thomas and Ralph Kilmann took on the challenge to design an instrument to effectively measure conflict-handling behaviour and to overcome the so-called ‘social desirability bias’- this is people’s tendency to present the most socially acceptable image of themselves, rather than presenting themselves as they really are.

They further developed the managerial grid created by Blake and Mouton in the ‘60s measuring one’s concern for task or outcomes vs. one’s concern for people.

So far, over 6M people have completed the Thomas/Kilmann instrument around the globe, which is also known as the Thomas/ Kilmann Instrument (TKI). It is designed to measure a person’s behavioural preference in a conflict situation. The 5 preferences they developed are; Avoiding, Competing, Accommodating, Compromising and Collaborating.

Test Yourself

Do you think that the people around you don’t leave you in peace and let you get on with your stuff?

Do you feel stressed by giving critical feedback to a colleague or friend about their annoying behaviour and do you hope that, if you don’t address it, it will just go away?

If you can answer one of the questions with yes you may be an avoider. Let’s explore what the cause and the impact of your preferred conflict behaviour might be.

Avoiding – The Cost and Benefit of Not – “Misery is Optional”

First of all, I am afraid to tell you something you might already know but have ignored so far:

• Avoiding conflict leads to…more conflict! It is like experiencing tooth pain and avoiding the dentist.
• Whilst avoiding the confrontation might take the form of diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an engagement until a better time, or simply withdrawing from a threatening situation, if not dealt with at some stage, this tactic will not bring about a solution and may accumulate further conflict – or tooth pain – as a consequence.
• This kind of behaviour is uncooperative because it shows indifference toward the relationship with the other person and it is uncompetitive as it does not immediately address both your personal concerns or those of the other. Avoiding the conversation means opting out of the dialogue completely and to disengage from any process that may solve the problem. The consequences of overusing this style include damaging your relationships and failure to achieve your objectives. It blocks the creative thinking that is necessary for innovation and finding a way out of your misery.

There are effective uses for the avoiding style in conflict situations – when used in small doses:

• For example, when an issue is trivial and of only passing importance, or when there are other, more important and pressing issues to deal with. In our current lockdown situation, our focus is on working together to master the crisis and we can circle back to some of these less important issues, when our circumstances are more relaxed.
• When you perceive no chance of satisfying your needs or having your concerns met, e.g. when you have low power or you are frustrated by something, that is very difficult to change (national policies, someone’s personality structure, lockdown measures to protect our health).
• When gathering more information outweighs the advantages of making an immediate decision.
• When other people can resolve the conflict more effectively than you.
• When the issue in front of you seems tangential or symptomatic of another more basic issue.
• When the potential damage of confronting a conflict outweighs the benefits of its resolution. How would you value your life vs. the value of your car if a car-jacker points a gun at your head? Or a less dramatic example: you confront your boss who just shouted at you in a fit of rage in front of the entire staff. Sometimes it is wise to let people cool down and to reduce tension to a productive and manageable level and to help everybody regain perspective and composure before you talk to them.

Your Own Example

Think of a situation when you repeatedly chose to avoid having a crucial conversation with another person.

How did that make you feel?

What impact has your behaviour had on that relationship? – Short term and longer term?

Do you wish you had reacted differently, more assertively and been more engaged?

From Style to Strategy

In the context of managing conflicts effectively, to become conscious of your own conflict style and its impact is but the first step.

If you wish to achieve different outcomes in your daily conflict situations, you will have to practice switching style regularly and you will have to include your reflections into your preparation for each difficult conversation.

In my experience this will, after some practice, become part of a conscious routine that will empower you to step up, when required.

Being an avoider of conflict means that you take a largely unassertive and uncooperative approach.

You might feel afraid, incapable and disempowered to take any action. Your brain tells you to freeze or flee in the drama of the moment.

The benefit of behaving like that is you win time to think, to gather further information and to collect your strength. You might also help the other person save face, which will not go unnoticed.

When you overuse this style however, it means that you choose to lead a less happy life with fewer meaningful relationships and almost no hope of self-realisation. You may even lose respect for yourself and the respect of others.

The strategic lesson here is: avoid the confrontation only when your or others’ life, dignity or essential assets are at stake or when you need time to rethink your strategy.

Learn how to step up and to find the courage to engage with others through effective dialogue; tackling what matters to you.

3 Practical Tips To Help Avoiders to move from Misery to Option

1. Mental Hygiene: You feel disempowered and incapable of engaging in a difficult conversation? For the next 6 weeks take 15 minutes every morning before you start the day and write 3 different lists; every day, start from scratch with a blank sheet of paper without reading what you wrote down the previous day. The first list is a gratitude list – write down everything you feel grateful for, as little or as big as it might be. The second list is a list with your skills: write down all the skills you have and others have told you that you have. The third list is a list of your achievements: write down your achievements in life or today, as little or large as they might be. Already, after 1 week, you will feel a shift in your thinking about yourself and you will feel more confident and empowered. Continue doing this for the entire 6 weeks and you will feel a true mind shift. You can repeat this exercise as often as you wish and whenever you feel weak and vulnerable.
2. PIN-analysis: You are afraid of having the conversation and you don’t know how to go about it? In our conflict coaching and training courses we use a special preparation sheet and I am going to share one highly relevant analysis tool from it with you now – the PIN-analysis, Positions, Interests, Needs: take a blank sheet of paper and split it into 4 parts so that you have 4 quadrants. Write in the upper left quadrant all your arguments, and what you want to get out of the conversation (e.g. pay rise, acknowledgement, apology etc.) and in the upper right quadrant all the arguments and positions you think the other person wants. Move then to the bottom left quadrant and note down all the interests, needs you have and you wish to satisfy through the conversation and do the same for the other person on the bottom right quadrant. Compare all quadrants and identify the common and different interests and how they are reflected in your positions. You might also have a guess what the other person’s conflict style is and how you can adapt yours to be more effective when having the conversation.
3. Change your brand: life is all about perceptions and impressions. When others start perceiving you as someone who avoids conflict, they will make all sorts of negative assumptions about you in their mind. How can you counter this? You need to work on your ‘brand’. This means you need to practice style switching so that others perceive you differently. One way to do this is using the ‘No-techniques’ we described in the previous blog on Accommodating-behaviour. Expressing what you don’t want represents an assertive way to engage others. Another brave and more constructive move is to actively ask for conversations when you feel ready for them. Start with conversations about non-conflictual issues, speak up at least once per meeting and rehearse the conversation with people you respect and like before you have the real one.

Try it Out

It requires courage and you will feel uneasy as you leave the apparent comfort zone of avoiding, (that is, let’s be honest not a nice zone to be.)

You will feel free and engaged when you step out of this zone and discover a new healthier empowerment zone which allows you to be more open and to achieve greater depth and meaning in your relationships.