Conflict Styles – Accommodating

Einstein’s definition of madness: “doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.”

Conflict Behaviour under Stress

Having been at home 24/7 with your family and/or flatmates during the pandemic will have had a considerable impact on your relationships. Disagreements are part of everyday life. But, when things are not normal and we are faced with new and unfamiliar ways of living and working, your ‘conflict behaviour’ will come under pressure.

The Good and Bad News

While You can’t avoid confrontation, you can choose how you want to deal with it.

Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann’s work analysed human conflict behaviours including their downsides and benefits. What we can learn from them is arguably more useful now than ever as we all adjust to reconfigure to a new ‘normal’.

Conflict Behaviour can be Measured

So, what are conflict styles?

In the ’70s, two conflict researchers, Ken Thomas and Ralph Kilmann took on the challenge to design an instrument to effectively measure conflict-handling behaviour and to overcome the so called ‘social desirability bias’- people’s tendencies to present the most socially acceptable image of themselves, rather than present themselves as they really are.

They further developed the managerial grid created by Blake and Mouton in the ‘60s measuring one’s concern for task or outcomes vs. one’s concern for people.

So far, over 6M people have completed the Thomas/Kilmann instrument around the globe, which is also known as the Thomas/ Kilmann Inventory (TKI). It is designed to measure a person’s behavioural preference in conflict situations.  The 5 preferences they developed are Avoiding, Competing, Accommodating, Compromising and Collaborating.

Test Yourself

Do you think that people around you are difficult and unable to manage their conflicts themselves and you have to make decisions for them?

Or do you feel that your conversations have always similar outcomes, either everyone agrees with you or you seem to always agree with everyone?

If you can answer one of the questions with yes, let’s explore, what the cause and the impact of your preferred conflict behaviour might be.

Accommodating – The Cost and Benefit of Not

Conceding to the other to let them have what they want – also called ‘people pleasing’ – is a widely spread human conflict behaviour and often confused with customer service, which is only topped by the preference to avoid conflict altogether – commonly seen in Great Britain.

Hence this blog will look closer at Accommodating, to visualise the costs and benefits of this particular conflict style and how to develop an effective conflict strategy.

Think of an example in your own environment where you chose to concede something you really wanted and that was important to you, and to let the other person have what they wanted.

How did that make you feel?

What impact has your behaviour had on the relationship – short term and longer term?

Do you wish you had reacted differently, more assertively?

From Style to Strategy

In the context of managing conflicts effectively, to become conscious of your own conflict style and its impact is only the first step.

If you wish to achieve different outcomes in your daily conflict situations, you will have to practice style switch regularly and you will have to include your reflections into the preparation of each difficult conversation.

In my experience, this will become part of a conscious routine which enables you to be proactive rather than reactive.

Being an accommodator tends to mean that you take a wholly unassertive and co-operative approach when it comes to dealing with conflicts.

This might take the form of selfless generosity or charity, giving in to another person’s demands when you would prefer not to, or yielding to another’s point of view.

The benefit of behaving like that is that you build trust by giving in, showing a certain level of vulnerability for the sake of the relationship. A big plus is that by doing that you create reciprocity and the other feels obliged to return in kind.

When you overuse this style however, it means that you get a lot less of what you want in life and what is important to you, and you will be perceived as someone who always gives in and you will not be taken seriously.

The strategic lesson here is: give in only when you have something to give that is of low value to you and of high value to the other person in order to invest in the relationship and to create reciprocity.

Learn how to be more assertive and to challenge the other person through effective dialogue about what matters to them.  One of the most powerful techniques to achieve this is, is to say ‘NO’. This would be a more competitive and collaborative style. In particular for Accommodators it feels uncomfortable to say ‘NO’.

Here are 3 quick top tips how to say NO without having to say NO. YES, that is possible.

1. Yes-No-Yes-Technique: When someone asks you to do something and you don’t have any time to take this extra task on, you reply for example: “Yes, I can help you, but not now; when later today or tomorrow would you have time to speak about this, so that we can tackle it?”
2. No-But-Technique: In our conflict management training we teach our participants to avoid saying ‘BUT’ after a positive statement as it annihilates what you said before the BUT and is therefore not at all helpful (for example: “I really like your dress, BUT…”). BUT, when you use it after a negative statement, or a NO, it softens the NO and makes it easier for the recipient to hear the NO. “No, I can’t help you now, BUT later at 4pm I have 20 mins for you.”
3. Partial-Agreement or Acknowledgment-Technique: You agree or empathise with that part in the demand, argument or message you can acknowledge, and you disagree with the other part. You might even combine it with a counter offer that empowers the other to take a different action. This shows them that you listened to them,  that you agree with some of what they said (not bad already for them) and you are clear about what it is that you can’t agree with. “I can see that this task is quite challenging to complete for you today and you are under a lot of pressure. Right now, I am unable to help you as I have myself an important deadline to meet. What I can offer you is 20 mins of my time to discuss this in order to figure out what you can do about it.”

Got it? Try it out. It requires some courage and to be prepared to not to be liked in that moment. I can assure you, in the long run others will respect you more for using NO effectively than for giving in most of the time.

We are all under pressure in those difficult times and we have to protect ourselves first to be able to help others effectively.

Conclusion

Each of us is capable of using all five conflict-handling modes. None of us can be characterised as having one single style of dealing with all conflicts.

But certain people use some modes better than others and, therefore, tend to rely on those modes more heavily – whether because of temperament or practice or culture.

There are also the dimensions of time and perception influencing our use of a certain style.

Depending on culture and context some styles are more socially acceptable than others.